I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
