I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
