Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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