I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
