I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
