so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
