I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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