lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
