When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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