i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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