you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
