I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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