Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize