His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
