note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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