Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
