I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
