Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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