i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
