im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
