I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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