We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
