I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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