i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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