she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize