We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
