I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize