my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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