Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
