I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
