You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
