You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
