how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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