I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
