I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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