apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
