If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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