K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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