god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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