so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
