He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
