Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
