I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
