cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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