Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
