there's paper in my vomit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
