woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
