Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
