there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
