Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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