Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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