Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
