Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
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