I just saw a hot homeless man
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
