The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
