i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
