next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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