nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
