just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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