You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Is Oprah even human
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
